A relationship is all about trust. Without it, you will never have peace of mind, and paranoia will always be knocking on your door. As a couple, you must be able to be left alone at night without worrying about your husband cheating. If you have this kind of relationship, then you are one lucky woman. You have probably seen men cheating all over the internet, and with the technology today, the temptation can freely creep into our home or sometimes in our husband’s cell phone.
Relationships, like marriages, are not easy to keep. They’re overwhelmingly pretty on some days – blissful even – but most days they are draining and difficult. This can even be more daunting if you are emotionally abusing your partner without even realizing it. This means that not all partners are bent up at terrorizing their partner by planning to emotionally abuse them. However, you may not be aware of it, but you have practiced habits that have made your relationship and the life of your partner distressing.
Maryann W. Mathai, LPCC, LMHC, LPC, NCC once said, “Humans are complex and all of us experience emotions like anger and sadness, so it’s very normal that at some point in the relationship, you will disagree with your partner.” If things have been rough with your partner lately, recognize the possibility that you may be abusing your partner emotionally. Look for warning signs. Experts suggest that anticipating the signs and doing something about it can tremendously save your relationship.
Below is a list of signs that you can watch out for, so you know that you have been emotionally abusing your partner.
- You’re Doing The Silent Treatment. Although you’re not yelling at your partner, you are instead shutting her off and keeping her from knowing what’s really wrong or how bad your situation is. Psychotherapists say that silent treatments are a means of controlling your partner as an antecedent to abuse. “Power exists in all relationships. Having power means to have a sense of control, to have choices and the ability to influence our environment and others.” Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explains.
- You Won’t Accept Responsibility When Arguing. Although it is normally difficult to say sorry during a misunderstanding, it is vital to accept that you are partly to blame in an argument. If you can’t, then you are pushing your partner to take all the blame, and this is a sign that you’re abusive.
- You Are insulting. Blunt and frank are two words with the same meaning. It can be a positive trait to be blunt, but when you’re too blunt, you are already insulting the other person you’re talking to, and that of course, is a clear sign of being emotionally abusive to your partner.
- Your Partner Becomes A Crowd Pleaser. If you have lately been criticizing your partner of being such a crowd-pleaser, then you may think twice about why she’s like this. Partners who are emotionally abused have a tendency to act confidently in front of others to compensate for her low self-confidence and the fear she has towards the other person. They want to be appreciated by others, which is why they sometimes overly react in parties or other gatherings.
- You Downplay An Ongoing Issue. Most often, when you know you’re at fault and you don’t want your partner to rub it in, you tend to minimize the issue at hand. However, if it’s your partner fault, you keep pressing on the issue so that she has to say sorry and cry for things to be okay. Isn’t that obviously unfair and abusive?
- You Pull Her Down. As a partner, you are there to be her rock and support in all things. You build her up so she would emerge an achiever and succeed in her endeavors. Instead, you ridicule her and pull her down by telling her she’s won’t be able to make it. If your partner is the opposite of who you are, then she doesn’t deserve you at all.
- You Are Gaslighting. This happens when you psychologically manipulate your partner into thinking that she is crazy or she’s not in her right mind. This is especially true if you’ve done something wrong and your partner attempts to ask you about it. You’re trying to play mind tricks on her as a way of controlling her. This is totally downright abusive. “Love is not about power and control. Everyone deserves a healthy relationship.” Nicole Tammelleo, LCSW-R said.
If you have seen these signs in yourself, then you are absolutely abusing your partner emotionally, and the underlying issue is definitely in you. But don’t be too harsh on yourself. Have a chat with your partner and tell her that you need help and that you want to save your relationship. Through honesty and the help of a therapist, you’re headed to a healthier you and a happier relationship.
The effects of sexual assault go far more than any physical injury, no matter how old or young you are. When someone is raped or sexually abused, it leaves her, or his life shattered, leaving them humiliated, terrorized, and isolated. They are cursed with having to go through the same memory every night and waking up to find themselves crying and shaking with fear over the devastating experience. They don’t feel safe anymore, and they find it difficult to make new friends. Their self-worth is so small that they won’t find words to make a pleasant description of themselves. On top of that, as rape survivors, they may be battling with anxiety, depression, and posttraumatic stress disorder for the rest of their lives.
Hung Tran, Psy.D said “Sexual assault is any sexual act, which is unwelcome or unwanted. It is sometimes committed through use of manipulation, coercion, intimidation, threats, force, or a controlled substance. It can range from sexual battery, to threat of sexual assault, to rape.” If you are a rape victim, you must keep in mind that whatever emotions you are feeling – the rage, blame, resentment, and shame – are normal reactions towards the trauma you have undergone. These are but symptoms and not what you really are. It may be very difficult for you, but with these strategies, you can slowly move forward with your life and soon gain self-confidence, self-trust, and self-worth.
- Talk To Someone. It is truly very hard to accept that you were sexually assaulted and you cannot undo what happened. You will feel weak and helpless. Although you don’t want to talk about rape, you must remember that you will never heal if you can’t speak up about it. So don’t avoid the truth. Find someone close to you that you can trust – family member, close friend, or a significant other. Express yourself slowly to this person. You’ll be scared to open up everything, but you’ll realize later that you will feel more liberated as you release what’s been keeping you in the dark. This person may be your connection to the outside world and help you interact with the community and join healthy activities that will be worthy of your time and energy. “Abuse is when someone engages in most of these behaviors on a very regular basis, in an almost systematic way (if you think you may be in a truly abusive relationship, please contact a qualified counselor to help evaluate your situation).” Dr. Chantal Gagnon PhD LMHC said.
- Learn To Cope. This means learning to deal with the trauma, with the act itself, and with the negative emotions that you are feeling every waking moment of your life. The shame and the self-blame may arise while you’re alone thinking about the past, or it may come just as a shock after a year or two. By going to support groups and talking to a therapist, you will come to terms with the truth and learn that you are not shaped by what happened but by how you overcome the challenges that you have faced. It was not your fault, and you should not be ashamed of what happened. You were a victim.
- Take Care Of Yourself. Recovering from rape is an ongoing process that won’t be finished in a month. The memories of the traumatic experience will definitely not be erased from your mind even after a year. But you can only try to live with the experience with the truth and the powerful tools that you will learn as your weapons to facing life and beating the trials triumphantly. And you do that first by nurturing yourself and loving yourself. Eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise as regularly as possible. These three basic tips can help achieve mental and physical wellness. “Self-love is important to living well. It influences who you pick for a mate, the image you project at work, and how you cope with the problems in your life.” Deborah Khoshaba Psy.D.explains.
You can also engage in calming and relaxation practices such as meditation and yoga, both of which are successful in improving one’s balance in life. Avoid alcohol and drugs, as these will only worsen the symptoms of the trauma. Healing from sexual assault doesn’t happen overnight, and the recovery process can be really painful. But if you hold on to yourself and follow through with these helpful strategies, you will soon be able to regain your self-worth, heal, and emerge even more powerful than you once were.
Most abused men have difficulty admitting that their wives verbally abuse them, so they keep mum and don’t tell anyone about it. Fact is, there are very scarce support networks that are available particularly for men or homosexuals who want to get out of an abusive relationship. The simplest reason for this would be that most research and studies centered around domestic abuse generally focus on abused women. There’s really not very much on the web and on books and papers that discuss the basic conflicts in a marriage where women verbally and physically abuse their husbands, so agencies and groups that are willing to help don’t know where to reach out to these abused husbands.
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT “Abusers typically want to control and dominate. They use verbal abuse to accomplish this. They are self-centered, impatient, unreasonable, insensitive, unforgiving, and they lack empathy and are often jealous, suspicious, and withholding.” Also, experts agree that they have rarely seen women change from verbally abusing their husbands to becoming good wives who are compassionate and loving. This applies to lesbians as well. Why is this so? Studies have shown that for women to be void of femininity and empathy, she should be extremely mentally damaged without repair.
About The Verbally Abusive Wife
Dr. Karen Ruskin, Psy.D. explains “If a woman starts by saying, ‘I care about you so much that I want you to be healthy,’ the discussion may not deteriorate. You are being mindful of their health and wellness,” she said. “If you preface your desire with a love statement, your mate may hear you through that lens of love and care.” However, there is a vast difference between husbands and wives who verbally abuse. The first strong difference is that females were not born with that male privilege where males have complete power over their victim when it comes to their own views on things, which is why females look for others ways to control and establish fear by verbally abusing their husbands. Additionally, in nearly 50% of cases, wives who abuse their husbands verbally and emotionally find power in threatening to fool the system by reporting their husbands as to the abuser and then having them arrested. They intimidate, blame, threat, deny, coerce, and ultimately use their own children to target their husbands.
How To Deal With Your Abusive Wife
As mentioned before, men don’t have a lot of support systems to help them deal with their verbally, abusive wives. What are you to do? The strategies that are used to help a husband stop abusing his wife won’t probably be effective. If you go into the topic of divorce, it would be more daunting for you since you are well aware that despite stories backed by people who might have witnessed your wife verbally abusing you, the mothers do have custody of the children in about 80-90% of the time.
Perhaps it would be wise to keep these pieces of advice in mind so that your life as a husband who is continually being verbally abused by your wife will eventually stop.
- You must try to create boundaries for yourself and implement these boundaries seriously. Your wife will definitely attempt to disrespect what you have set, but you must make her see that you are firm in getting respect from her and from the marriage.
- Be with friends who can be trusted and find a support network that will help you develop more resilience, self-confidence, and motivation.
- Seek therapy and find a therapist who is knowledgeable about abuse and how to deal with it.
- Write down the number of the abuse hotline so you will have someone to talk to who is ready and willing to help.
- Knowing more about abuse, specifically verbal abuse, gives you more power to protect yourself and your rights as a husband and a person.
Marie Manly, PhD said, “We can’t change the toxic people into non-toxic people, but we can work on being less reactive.” Ultimately, the husband who is verbally abused by his wife must ask this of himself just as all other victims of abuse do: Is this marriage worth my energy and time? If it is not, then it is time to leave it.
Being in an abusive relationship is probably one of the worse things that can happen in your life. It can be confusing to wake up every day being beaten by the person you love, but still, you have no courage to walk away from him. You may also get hurt because you expect the other people to change, but it seems that your wish has become impossible to happen. According to a therapist, it is only normal for a victim of domestic abuse to continue hoping that their abuser is going to change someday. It is the primary reason why most battered women still choose to live with their abusive partners.
If you find yourself in a situation where your spouse continues to hurt you emotionally, physically, and verbally, then maybe it is about time to rethink the marriage. How long are you going to allow yourself to suffer? Can you take more hardships and pains from the one you love? Or would you rather be alone and save yourself? These are some of the questions that will continue to haunt you down. We understand that it can be difficult on your part to make a decision, especially when you are afraid to make a wrong one. Because of this, we have decided to come up with an article that can help you to determine what you must do the moment your partner becomes violent and abusive. Donna M. White, LMHC, CACP explains that “All marriages are not salvageable. In the process of marriage counseling, some couples may discover it is healthier for them to be apart.”
Call The Local Authorities
Do not hesitate to get in touch with the police or law enforcement agencies the next time your partner hurts you. You must stop thinking about how your report can make his life miserable. Instead, think about yourself and your future. Remember that the more you keep quiet about the maltreatment that he is doing to you, the more he becomes empowered to hurt you continuously. Never give him the satisfaction of allowing him to beat you up while you keep quiet in the corner. If possible, let the police arrest him so that he can get his lesson.
Talk About Your Situation
“Couples’ expectations about what marriage should be like are completely off from the reality of what marriage is actually like” Dr. Chantal Gagnon PhD LMHC said. You must start to accept the reality that you have become a battered woman so that it will be easier on your part to open up to other people. As long as you do not have acceptance of your situation, you will find it challenging to discuss what you are going through to your friends, family, or loved ones. As much as possible, make an effort to communicate what you are feeling inside. Let other people know that you are hurting and do not hesitate to ask for their assistance. For sure, these individuals are more than willing to provide you with their love and care. However, take note that you have to be honest when it comes to communicating with them. Do not conceal any material information so that they can also learn how to trust your words. Failure to do this can make them doubt your sincerity, and they may become uninterested in extending help.
Attend Therapy Sessions
Another thing that you can take into consideration at this point is to seek professional help from a mental health expert. According to Julie Williams, Psy.D.,”Even better, these insights and skills that you’ll gain from marriage counseling and couples therapy can have great and lasting benefits in your other relationships, including in your relationships with colleagues, children, and other family members.” You can join group therapy sessions wherein you can see other women who have also become victims of domestic abuse. By connecting to these people, you will be able to open your eyes to a new perspective. Seeing them during group therapy sessions can help you become more motivated to get out of your current relationship. If you prefer your experience to be a little more confidential, you can try one-on-one sessions with a therapist. The choice depends on your preferences. Nonetheless, you must make an effort to select a therapist that is excellent at what he does and has been proven to be trustworthy.
One of the things that you must never forget is to appreciate yourself. Take note that you are a fantastic person who deserves all the love and respect in this world. Stop making excuses for the behavior of the other person. The moment your husband laid his arms on you is the moment that you should have said goodbye to him. If he truly loves you, he will not hurt you in any manner. However, if you really insist on saving the marriage, it is best for both of you to seek the assistance and help of a marriage counselor. Take note that this will only work if you and your husband are willing to work it out.
Financial abuse happens in about 99% of domestic violence cases. That is because finances are often the most significant factor of marital conflict. It is the reason why victims return to their abusers and stay in a toxic relationship. But what exactly is financial abuse? How can you determine its presence in the marital relationship? What can you do to stop it from turning into a worse situation? Here is how psychology shed some light on domestic violence, particularly on this financial abuse.
What Is Financial Abuse
Financial abuse is an unnoticeable tactic used by the abusers to gain control in a domestic violence situation. Usually, it often starts in a subtle way that no one can notice it even for an extended period. Its victims can be either females or males. But typically, a considerable percentage of it is women. Julie Williamson, LPC, NCC, RPT explains “Financial abuse is the withholding of funds or refusing access to funds to a responsible partner,”
The process of controlling finances is one of the simple yet powerful methods used to keep victims trapped in an abusive marital relationship. Some common forms of abuse are forbidding the partners to work and earn money. The suggestions can execute in both vocal and unintentional ways. There is also controlling how much money gets spent. According to Angel M. Hoodye, MS, LPCS, CART, “A person experiencing financial abuse is under complete financial dependence on the provider of funds. If [they do] need money they may receive an allowance. They also may have to follow a strict protocol for spending.” That is when one of the couples can use the funds to whatever pleases them. However, other individuals appear to get questioned every time they use a portion of the funds. Also, financial abuse has something to do with controlling everything on the paycheck. These include buying expensive stuff without the consent of the husband or wife. Another part of it is withholding all the combined income. It leaves one of the couples abundant, and the other one broke. Also, the removal of access to any bank account is a financial abuse as well, along with the condition of being given an allowance.
The Sad Truth
In most cases, when the victims try and contemplate leaving, they immediately decide not to. They begin to think about how they are going to make it without financial support from their abusers. There is this mentality that leaving the relationship will only result in additional emotional and mental suffering. The truth is, it is an invisible weapon to weaken the victim. The effects are so damaging that victims do not consider leaving the situation even if they wanted to. With that, they ease their guilt, keep their peace, and do everything to make these abusers stay. And hopefully, make these people love them even more.
Usually, the process of abuse often disguises itself as a concern and love for the victims. The abusers can make it look like they want to take care of these people. But in reality, the only thing these abusers desire is complete control over their abused partners. Most financial abusers are narcissistic. They believe that their partners should feel privileged for having them in their lives. These individuals are experts in identifying their significant others’ weakness. They often come up with justifications and reasons why their spouses should owe them and give them what they want.
Not all abuse leaves people with visible scars. But that doesn’t mean that the action is not that painful and impactful. Financial abusers want what they can take. It is a simple principle that reflects their mentality of being self-entitled to do anything without thinking about others’ feelings. They believe that the things that belong to their partners are also theirs. But the things these people have or earned has nothing to do with their spouse or significant others.
Say “No More”
Recovering from financial abuse requires healthy boundaries and awareness. The victims should try to discover the purpose of their lives that truly give them a reason to move forward. When the victims try and recognize their skills and capabilities, they will begin to change their mentality towards financial dependence. Once these individuals start educating themselves with ways on how to make and earn money, they will leave the abusers with no reason to hold them anymore. Aside from them gaining additional knowledge, these people also obtain financial independence as well. Victims must understand the difference between generosity and entitlement. Financial abusers are commonly takers. They sometimes use guilt, threat, and sympathy to achieve their abusive goal. Though the process of knowing it is difficult, individuals should watch out for unusual requests or offers.
Jason B. Whiting, PhD, LMFT states that “Many referred to financial limitations, and these were often connected to caring for children: “I had no family, two young children, no money, and guilt because he had brain damage from a car accident.” Others were unable to keep jobs because of the abuser’s control or their injuries, and others were used financially by their abuser: “[My] ex racked up thousands of debt in my name.” The effects of financial abuse do not just stop when the victims get out of the situation. The mental and emotional torture can last for months, years, and even decades. That is why financial education and self-awareness is vital.
Give and take is what makes a relationship strong. Keeping the relationship between two people equal is necessary. Yet in reality, there are cases wherein there is an imbalance in the relationship. Maintaining such situations can make the relationship go into a brink. It can even destroy a family. In this article, 10 facts to know that you are being taken advantage of by your partner is listed:
It is fate that unites a man and a woman, and as per the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, there are about 2,245,404 marriages in America, but 827,261 ended up in divorce. It seems love faded, and couples chose to part ways permanently.
There are many challenges in marriage since it is the union of two completely different individuals. They have to deal with their differences, and it is easier said than done. There will come the point where one can feel burned out by the relationship, and fortunately, there is always a choice to walk away. As Heather Edwards LMHC, NCC, BCC says, “It can be difficult to re-establish a healthy routine and empower yourself after a toxic relationship. Fortunately, coming to the realization that you need to let go is one of the most difficult steps.”
The key to eternal marriage is becoming more and more difficult to possess. Married couples are more likely to settle differences in court than to work things out. However, there is a detested way to make a marriage last.
For some reason, it is the nature of women to love men profoundly, and for a long time, men have been trying to understand women. Maybe this is the problem, but our feelings and emotions blind us, and if we think about it thoroughly, this could indeed make sense. Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC said, “Relationships in and of themselves do not create mental illness.” However, he adds, “When we suffer in our relationships, it can be difficult to move forward from past hurt and trauma.”
Loving The Wife More And Understanding Her Less
It is not that men love their wives inadequately. Maybe they feel it intensely but are showing it wrong. Men may not be aware that women have ideals when they think about marriage, and it is plain hypocrisy to say otherwise. Women may say they are content with this and that, but they have already set a standard. It is either husband meets or surpasses it, and anything less, to even an inch, makes love questionable.
Men should never understand women because it honestly is impossible. Women’s mind reaches the stars when thinking, and to try to catch up is not the wisest idea because they may only be gathering possibilities. Let’s face it; women are emotional. They tend to overthink about everything, and most of the time conflicts start because of him being him (insensitive) and her being her (too sensitive).
What men should do is to love their wives more, and they can do this by knowing their expectations and exceed them. Do the unexpected if you can because, with women, chances are they have already thought about ten different scenarios. Do the 11th because women love surprises. They may say they don’t, but they do!
Loving The Husband Less And Understanding Him More
Women have an intense way of feeling what they feel that they tend to ignore what they should be dealing with like their husband’s behavior. For instance, he drinks a lot or has a gambling problem. She may oversee this and love him unconditionally. She doesn’t mind that this is already a problem in their marriage, and instead of doing something about it, she keeps quiet and loves him more, but weeps silently.
Women should be objective that instead of blindly accepting all circumstances, she should be trying to understand the situation and think of ways to comprehend, to make her husband know that it is not okay or she is hurting with his behavior. The thing with women is that they assume and demand that men “should” know, and on the other hand, men are thinking “She’ll say something if it’s not okay.”
“We can’t change the toxic people into non-toxic people, but we can work on being less reactive.” Marie Manly, PhD implies. Men and women are entirely different. They tend to think and function oppositely, and making them meet in the middle could be very challenging. Since they are the opposite of each other, maybe he ought to do what he wouldn’t, and she ought to not do what she does, but then again, we all act according to our feelings, and maybe it is the way it should be, and it is just about finding the one who fits the puzzle.
When people think about abuse in a relationship, they often assume it to be physical. However, it’s not where the abuse starts or ends. Violence can be emotional and psychological too and sometimes; it can be everything in between. With all that said, it is important to acknowledge mental conditions such as depression and anxiety as the number one source of overall health breakdown. Nonetheless, it is essential to identify the relationship abuses that cause it.