I am not sure what Leora told my wife one and a half weeks ago. I do know that things have been much better. My wife has been able to stop herself from carrying things (i.e. anger) too far. The early signs of an abusive onslaught have been there several times over the past week and a half. They have not however continued. I must ask both Leora (the counsillor), and maybe even my wife, what has happened. It is very much in line with what Patricia Evans, in her book “Controlling People” describes when the controller take personal responibility. I will keep you posted.
Leora, our counselor, had a long talk with my wife a couple of days ago. She made it clear that she (my wife) MUST cooperate if there is to be any hope of salvaging the marriage. Leora also got the sense from my wife the she (my wife) really wants things to work out.
Since that conversation, 2 days and running, communication has been good. We have even come to agreement on a couple of things that came up that in past would have easily ended up in more abuse.
Do I get chest pains thinking that this may be just another “Calm Between the Storms? Another ride on the “Roller Coaster”? Yes! Do I truly believe that this time may be different? Yes!
We spent over 4 hours in our last counselling session. The counsellor drew 2 circles on her note pad. One circle representing the MANY things my wife would like me to change, and one circle for the ONE THING the counsellor and I need my wife to change.
I calmly listed the areas I am ready to work on, which is pretty much an all inclusive list of things I am either already working on or know I need to. None of them are offensive, abusive, or directly negatively impose on or offend my wife. They are just thing that “bother her”. I must admit that some are serious things, like my procrastination problem. I “think” i have made nice progress on that.
When my wife was asked to acknowledge her abusive behavior she always reverted back to me being the cause. i.e. if i would just do 1,2,3 etc, she would not have to be so abusive. And so, the denial continues. Its now been 3 days of silence, of stonewalling. Need I say more?
Ok, so I was “too” compromising, “too” democratic, “too” non-imposing. I come from an abusive home. No, my parents never abused me in the way we view child abuse today. Their spankings, or publicly embarrassing acts were pretty much standard for east-European parents and so I cannot truly say that I was an abused child. The abuse was more about my father’s abuse towards my mother.
He was absolutely controlling. He never allowed her to go anywhere without him. And yes, those odd burn marks on her forearms seemed to occur too frequently and in too odd places to really have been “ironing accidents” as my mother would put it.
And so, i decided to take the extreme and be VERY compromising and let my wife do whatever she wants, VERY democratic and always try to involve her in all decisions, and VERY non-imposing and never ask her to do anything for me, never tell her I did not like what she wore, cooked, bought etc.
All this somehow came across as my not caring for her. At least that’s what our counsellor seems to have “verified”. All this “non-caring” apearantly lead my wife to reach her anger because she translated my “over-caring” as not caring for her at all. Is all this possible? Perhaps. But I cannot help but think about how my own desire and action in, albeit perhaps exaggerated, positive acts can justify such a completely negative behavioral reaction.
That said, we then continued our counselling session and seemed to have made some progress with our new found “understanding”. Or at least that’s what I thought. More on that next post.
Its been a couple of weeks since my last post. Not a good thing in blogging land but a reality I guess in Abused Husband land. I heard from Patricia Evans that rarely, if ever, does couple counseling help in abusive situations.
Well, my wife and I have been going regularly for the past month and perhaps, just perhaps there is some hope. It is of course a long term process to see if we can succeed. Our counselor met with each of us separately a few times before our first meeting together last night. The first meetings with my wife alone were geared towards reducing her anger. She uses a method called EFT. Its seems as if this is happening and thus my wife was able to have a rational discussion last night during our first session together. My wife is still not admitting to any personal responsibility but at least we can have a rational discussion.
So what are the strange feelings? Well, I am not sure I will want to spend the rest of my life with her. All this work, all the hope that perhaps one day we could have a normal married life, and now I am not “in the mood” to have that married life with her anymore.
And as for me, well I was able to point to some personal responsibility on my part that perhaps prompted her to get on her abusive path. That will be the subject of my next post.
A short post, a huge reminder. This will not be news to anyone but…
Get Away!
Thats right. Just pack a bag and get some fresh air. Clear your mind. It will give you the physical and more importantly, the emotional strength to carry on. ENJOY!
In my quest to understand more, to pursue my own healing, to continue my hopes for resolution and closure of this most painful chapter in my life, I came across the term “Intimate Terrorism”.
The truth is that all the literature I came across (without having read any of it in depth) deals with the horrible violence against women. Such as the horrible story of Hedda Nussbaum and her murderous husband Joel Steinberg who murdered their 6 year old adopted daughter, Lisa. Just a horrible and terrifying story.
I do not want for a moment to suggest that any of the suffering I, nor any abused husband experiences, compares to what seems to be the physical terror that victims of Intimate Terrorism go through.
I just cannot help though having the feeling that the abuse abused husbands go through has a taste of terror to it as well.
One of the most confusing things to the victim of verbal abuse is the transition from one abusive event to the next. Once the abused person has survived the insult, stonewalling, yelling, whatever, and things go back to “normal” (whatever that means), the victim clings on to the hope that, “OK, Now we will build, we will work together to make a happier life for both of us…”. This ebb and flow is one of the things that keeps victims of abuse in the relationship.
One of the examples I found on the definition of “ebb and flow” seems so appropriate for this post.
“A play’s focus and retreat from the central conflict.”
That is so right on! The main event in an abusive relationship is “ebb’, defined as “receding”. The “ebb” periods are those where our relationships regress. There is decline. The flow of the relationship occurs between the tense moments.
When this ebb and flow is repetitive, it becomes a pattern. That pattern is the difference between a normal healthy relationship with ups and downs, and an abusive relationship with the ebb and flow pattern of forgetting the pain of the previous abusive incedent as the new one, the new tide (tsunami?), arrives.
A crowbar can be used to fix things or destroy things. For example, it can be used as part of fixing a flat tire, or nudging something into place. It can of course be used to destroy too. Well, yesterday my wife and I went to councilor number 1. He, as always, tries to use building techniques that are meant to bring us closer together. Our assignment as of last night, was to realize that any “problem” “WE” may have, is a mutual one. That means that if there is an issue that needs resolving, we communicate “with” each other, NOT “against” each other, to find a solution. My wife reluctantly agreed and the session was over.
This morning, my wife, on the respected advice of a mutual friend went to see another therapist. It seems that this therapist has somehow taken my wife away from the “building” techniques of councilor number one, and instead has introduced a crowbar to pry us apart. In other words, her abuse towards me started to come on full steam! We’ll see what tomorrow brings on. Councilor number 2 it seems for now in any case, has introduced the crowbar and a path to destruction!
As this was her first session there, I will wait a few weeks, and a few more sessions to see if perhaps this is merely a process of allowing my wife to vent her anger and frustrations. I truly hope the initiative will be taken to get “my side of the story”. I will certainly be sure that that concept is at least presented to the second therapist. Hmmm, I guess that is part of my own healing in this, in that I will no longer tolerate the abuse for the long term. Good for me…
